Stress. Renovating projects and moving house and changing jobs are all rated highly on the stress indicator tables. Add to that the PTSS and depression of the previous two years, and I can excuse my instant explosions.
That angry tongue.
Those hateful words.
The impatient temper which explodes just when I'm not expecting it.
I even - yes, I confess to this too - I even hit the dog. Not hard, but still. I hit her, because she was leaping up at a visitor: trained already by our lovely workmen (they truly are, always cheerful and hardworking even in the recent freezingly cold weather) to leap as they tease her with their sandwiches. I've only recently discovered this and they do't do it anymore. But old habits die hard, especially in Labradors eager for any tidbit. Exasperated by her disobedience and desire to jump, I scolded and then lashed out, impatient, angry, on a short fuse.
And in front of a wonderful young Christian who had come on Saturday to help us work on the house.
So that's where I was last week.
On a short fuse.
It kept hitting me too, that short fuse. Exploded externally, nagged internally.
But Sunday. And the sweetness of the Lord came pouring in as the tears poured out.
"This is the air I breathe ... and I, I, I - I'm lost without You, I'm desperate for You."
Worship at The Bath and Avon Vineyard. The Spirit convicting.
Lord, change me. I'm desperate for You to change me. I can't seem to get rid of this short fuse.
* * * *
He sent me Words. Words I have known for years but had forgotten. From Amy Carmichael's small but profound book IF -
If a sudden jar can cause me to speak an impatient, unloving word, then I know nothing of Calvary love. For a cup brimful of sweet water cannot spill even one drop of bitter water, however suddenly jolted.
I need Calvary Love. HIS love, pouring into me, loving others through me, filling me to the brim with His sweetness and patience and grace.
So I kneel at the foot of His Cross, conscious once again of that all powerful Love. LOVE that died for me and my short fuse. LOVE that can flood me. LOVE - the first of the fruit of the Spirit.
The Cross we found (in the floor joists!) is now in the Chapel
I welcome His love in and drink deeply. Oh, LOVE, that will not let me go, I rest my weary soul in Thee ...
I'm still on a short fuse. But I've handed the fuse to Him.
* * * *
SATURDAY was another work day. The final wall came down, to create the kitchen. And the ceiling came down in one of the attic bedrooms. That's the end of demolishing; now we start putting it all together. YAY!