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Jan 25

Re:FRESH Re:NEW Re:TREAT

A DAY FOR RETREAT
ideas for what to do!
Sometimes (often, most of the time) I need rest – physical, emotional, yes, but mostly spiritual time away from normal everyday busy-ness. I need to make time for meeting with God over a longer period, time for spiritual renewal and self-examination. In Jesus’ time, long walks were part of everyday life – when one could presumably reflect and pray and think, although it was probably no easier than it is now! Jesus certainly 'drew aside' from everything for quiet moments, often climbing the hillside to do so. And so I need to build in times of quiet, times of enjoying God’s creation. At least once a year (and three or four or five times is better!) it helps if I go to a place of quiet and beauty and just BE.

If you've never done this before, it may be strange at first. Maybe start with just a few hours – a half day; or maybe only an hour for the very first time. Start small and keep adding. Don’t wait until you…

Jan 23

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FINDING FUN

The book stared back at me. Dared me to pick it up.

Buy it, even.

It’s blue – always a favourite colour. And written on the front in large capitals:

START YOUR OWN HAPPINESS PROJECT – GUIDE INSIDE.

New year.

New me?

Can I ever feel HAPPY again?

Resigning from my beloved work in ordained ministry to concentrate on getting well again, emotionally, spiritually, physically.

Recovering from the dark heaviness of depression and post traumatic stress syndrome which has clung and clawed to my shoulders for sixteen months.

Removing the burden of the guilt of not working - a first step to accepting this major life change, this living with What. Happened. And. Cannot. Be. Undone.

And joy. Can I find joy again as I learn to give thanks and find the grace in each moment?

The book leaps into my hand. I start reading as we drive away. I am hooked from the start, wanting to know if it’s possible for me too. Knowing I need to work out my own salvation because it is God at work in me. So I begin. January.

But I read fast and furious, wanting…

Nov 24

CONCERNING THE MORNING AID

from my journal: October 2010

Psalm 22: “Concerning the morning aid”

This, the title of Psalm 22 in the LXX: concerning the morning aid.

It’s a psalm of deep, intense pain.

A psalm Jesus knew, for He shouted the start of it from the depths of His immense agony.

A psalm He fulfilled, with its descriptions of what He endured.

The darkness and suffering of Calvary.

Sorrow and pain.

Aloneness and being deserted.

Crying out and feeling unanswered in the depths of despair.

Sobbing and sleepless in the night. God seeming so far away.

Life pouring out like water. Strength drying up.

Counting my bones for I am unable to eat.

Bereft.

And into the dark night of my soul comes this word:

the morning aid.

Say it aloud and it is my mourning aid.

Then I know that He will grant an end to this sorrow that for now is all consuming. That one day I shall know His love and comfort in all their realities. For,

“even the darkness will not be dark to You; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to You.” (Psalm 139:12)

He will come. He does come.

“His…

Nov 17

Snowdrops

October 2010 Three weeks after The Day

There will be snowdrops again.
There will be snowdrops again. I have to believe it.
One day soon, the tiny tips will push through, struggling, light seeking, upward bound.
First, there will be snow. Frost and freeze. Rain.
Anything the elements can throw on a winter’s day.
A test of patience, hope, belief.
But for now, the bulb lies cold, deeply hidden, dormant.

So lies my soul.

A corpse, buried in winter snow.
Buried within my cold cold body. Iced from within.
I can see it from above, the rectangle of transparent ice
surrounding all that is me.

It is hard to hear you through the ice. Impossible to reach out, touch you, feel your well-meant hug. This ice is brittle, sharp, so-very-cold. It forms a barrier.

Maybe that is my protection, for should the thaw come too soon I would feel too much.

So I will believe that snowdrops will come again. And one day
One day
My snowdrop soul will grow again a tiny tip of life.

For as [surely as] the earth brings forth its shoots, and as a garden causes what is sown in it to spring…

Nov 10

LEARNING TO LIVE WITHOUT

So this is how it is, this learning to live again; this living with the sorrow and withoutness. Another lingering look back, not wanting to forget.

I shall not forget.

There comes a time to move on, a time to learn to live again. To learn to live without.

To live with it, my grief and sorrow; that emptiness which once she filled. My memories.

Her love.

For love does not die. I love. She loves still.

But not here.

And so the space which once was her filling and her loving is my withoutness. I do not want the space to be filled with other people, other things and so I must, I need, to learn to live with it.

From here until.

“Finally, be strong in the Lord and in His mighty power.” Ephesians 6:10

Not the finally as we often think of finally – in our terminology that means “I’ve got to the end at last.”

Like a long sermon.

No, for I shall not get to the end of my withoutness.

But “from now on, from now until the end.”

From now on it will be like this.

She will be…